From a Recovering Helicopter Mom

So I read a book recently that has me wishing I could go back in time and do a few things differently.  I guess we'd all like that opportunity a time or two, right?!? 

                                                    Photo Source:  BikerAndBride blog

As I was cleaning out a magazine file, I stumbled upon an old brochure for Jim Fay's Love & Logic series and noticed the book, Tickets to Success on that list.  I read it fairly quickly as it's short & to-the-point.  It was life changing!  For both of my kids' lives, I've been right there to protect and guide them, as most parents do.  But now I'm seeing that perhaps I've done that way too much because sometimes, in certain situations, they can't do it all that well by themselves. 

Maybe I should have let them resolve their own problems during toddler playdates. 
Maybe I could have let them fall off the scooter (instead of catching them before they hit the ground) to learn to hold their balance better (because my hollering "keep balanced!" is far less effective than an actual fall).
Maybe if I would have let them work out a sibling argument without intervening, they'd be better friends now.  It's hard to say. 

But WOULD'A--COULD'A--SHOULD'A won't

help now, because that time has passed.

So now, at ages 7 and 9, I get an opportunity to correct the wrongs I've done as a Helicopter Mom and hopefully get them back onto a "normal" path.  By solving all their problems and handling any adverse situations myself, I have been robbing them of the opportunity to learn to handle those problems and situations independently. 

I always thought my "hellicoptering" would protect them ... but protect them from what?
   Protect them from learning how to resolve problems?   
   Protect them from learning how to adapt to unexpected results?   
   Protect them from learning how to take criticism (because that's everywhere!)?
   Protect them from knowing how to fix a problem that their bad decision caused? ......
.... No, I don't want to protect them FROM those things; instead I want to expose them TO those things. But I'm 7 & 9 years late!! Better late than never, I guess.

In the book Tickets to Success when Jim Fay is writing about letting a child miss a meal or go without a coat as consequences to the child's own decision and/or lack of responsibility, he writes:  "When we let children make decisions and they get a little cold or hungry, they learn about the real world.  If we rescue them, we've robbed them of their tickets to success."   (Jim Fay. Tickets to Success, page 51. Love and Logic Press. 1994).  Robbing them of this is something I have perfected, I'm sad to say.  But at least I have a chance to change it.  

Jim Fay writes about using Love & Logic as a golden rule for raising our kids: "Kids grow best with a balance of love and logic.  Love allows children to grow through their mistakes.  Logic allows them to live with the consequences of their choices."  (Fay, page 4) 

He also writes that "building responsible children is a four-step process. 

We give a child a chance to act responsibly.

We hope and pray the child makes a mistake.

When the child makes a mistake, we stand back and allow consequences, accompanied by liberal doses of empathy, to do the teaching.

We give the child exactly the same assignment, offering another chance to act responsibly."

-(Fay, page 13)  

At first glance this may seem harsh.  But it's not.  Isn't it better for our kids to learn big lessons when they're still home with us?  The world can be a cruel place.  And when our kids go out into the real world, they need to know how to make real decisions and fully understand real consequences.  It's a tough world out there.  Some lessons are better learned at age 5 than at age 15.  Lessons come with a cost (and I don't just mean monetarily), and the cost is much higher as our children get older.    

"Raising responsible children is our greatest objective as teachers and parents.  Responsible children own tickets to success. But children are not born responsible.  They learn responsibility as we allow them to make decisions and to live with the consequences. In the end, we cannot give children tickets to success.  There is no free lunch, no free ride, and no free ticket.  Day by day, choice by choice, decision by decision we can allow our children to earn their tickets to success."  (Fay, page 107)  

Lastly, the blogger's article (a college professor, I believe), "Helicopter Parents" from which I found that perfect image of helicopter parents (above) closes with this:  "FOR HEAVENS SAKE .. Please let your grown child live like a real adult, and take responsibility for their own life. Thank you!"

So I'll close with the same.  Thanks for reading. 

All the wisdom of Jim Fay and the Love & Logic crew in Tickets to Success is exactly that:  their wisdom.  I'm simply quoting from the book to relay it's general message to others who may be struggling with this.  I would encourage anyone to read this book in its entirety. 

The next book I'm reading is on entitlement.  Now isn't that a snowball rolling out of control these days!?!?!?